How to be a “Good Girl”: Advice I Have Received from Men

  1. Limit the amount of friends you have that are girls. Insist to men that you “just cannot connect with other women.” No self-respecting demographic would have such a high statistic of wearing yoga pants.

 

  1. When asked about your stance on feminism reply that you don’t believe in “reverse sexism.” Besides, what self respecting woman would burn her bra?

 

  1. Sleep with just the right amount of men. Too little and men will consider you frigid, too many and they will brand you a whore. Note: the right amount is still being determined. Precede at your own peril (But DO proceed).

 

  1. On that note, talk about how you give amazing blow jobs. Make sure to reference all the other women you know that hate giving head and how you just don’t understand it—It is literally the most empowering experience you’ve ever had. Insist that, unlike other women, you are very open about sex. You also own a vibrator.

 

  1. Drink only black coffee or straight whiskey. Pumpkin Spiced lattes and mixed drinks are for pussies (pun intended).

 

  1. Read books. Guys like it when girls are smart. However, make sure you only quote influential male writers. Kafka, Nietzsche, and Foucault are all safe bets. If all else fails, ask your male friends who their favorite authors are. Then read SparkNotes and Wikipedia summaries of their works (no need to tire out your little, female head).

 

  1. Tell anyone who will listen how you don’t believe in dieting. That you eat what you want and you can’t understand why women are usually so self-absorbed with their appearances. But do diet. And do cleanse. You have to look good in that bikini com summer time. Just don’t admit that you care.

 

  1. Also, wear a makeup that both makes you look flawless but can pass as natural.

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